Sell now and prosper

Remember when a tank of gas could get you to Romulus and back? Times have changed and inter-galaxy travel is not as affordable it once was.  Don't let that starship of yours rust away in your hangar.  Come down to Star Track Lounge and speak to one of our professionals about getting cash for your starship. We welcome all species and races and are conveniently located in designated neutral zone in scenic South Philadelphia.  Located just off wormhole 32.

Someone is in the dog house

When it comes to getting out of your dog house, trust the biggest name in canine real estate.  Burger the Dog was voted the best Realtor in 2011 and 2012 by the Animal Welfare Institute and won the prestigious Red Baron award last year.  Let Burger be your "best friend" in Real Estate.

Baby I'm burning for you

Happy Halloween

Couch-tober Fest!

Couch-tober Fest is once again upon us.  For 31 days only we are offering cash for your sectionals, love seats, sofas, and ottomans.  Sorry, futons need not apply. 

Give me your tired springs and outdated velour,

Your soiled cushions yearning to breathe free,

The wretched refuse of your Ikea store.

Send these, the couches, tempest-tost to me,

I will deliver cash at your door.*

   

So what are you waiting for?  Come on down to Huggie's Discount Furniture Store; The Ellis Island of home decorating!

* No refunds given for valuables found between the cushions.

Rough Riders

A horse is a horse, of course, of course, 
And no one can fly a horse of course 
That is, of course, unless the source is the famous Mr. Huggie 

Flying horses are hard to come buy.  Finding a trained equestrian pilot is even harder. But luckily….

THE WAIT IS OVER!

Contact Mr. Huggie for all your horse flying needs today.  With over 2 years experience and a certification from Pegasus University, Mr Huggie is the best thing riding four legs and two wings around.  Get a certified horse pilot are available for all occasions:

Polo matches

Vertical farming

Warfare

and block parties (Ask about our "my little pony" package)

Fast Dealing, Property Wheeling

Don't play games when it comes to your property.  Why chance it with other buyers? Advance to your nearest Huggie Pennybags store location today.  

(Mention this ad and collect $200)

A Faustian Bargain

                                                   Soul seeker seeking you.  

Calling all dreamers and risk takers.  Ballers-in-training and wanna be movers and shakers.  Need cash now?  Do you desire to be wealthy and powerful without all the labor or luck? How about being a famous rockstar or wealthy producer? …. Is your sex-tape not attracting enough attention?

If you like to live life in the now, are not particularly fond of details or worried about the eternal torment   of your heirs…. then do we have a deal for you!  For a limited time only trade in that tired soul of yours in exchange for all your Earthly desires.   Cash on delivery with no questions asked.  Be a virtuoso overnight!

Visit our flagship store located at the crossroads of highways 1 and 8 in Rosedale, Mississippi.  Or if you are looking for something closer to home try out our new pop-up store located at the crossroads of Somerset and Kensington in the city of brotherly love.

Don't let a little brimstone and fire in the afterlife keep you from achieving your dreams in the now life.

The Handy Man Can

It happens all the time.  People come up to me like "Huggie, I got this house.  It was my grandmas but ever since she passed its been sitting vacant.  I don't know what to do with it".  Don't Worry About! 

Huggie fux wit houses!

Anything house related; trust me, Huggie fux with it.  

Need a new roof?               I fux wit it.

Looking to sell?                  I fux wit it.

Putting up drywall?             I fux wit it.

      Plumbing problems?           I fux with that.

                           Dirty dishes?             Nah.  Huggie don't fux wit dishes.

24 hour service.  Most days a week. 

 Guaranteed to be done when you least expect it. 

Mention this ad and get a free upgrade to "Deluxe Fux" which includes a free Hurricane Malt Liquor happy hour with Huggie and the boys on your front stoop.   Call now!

Appetite for Destruction

The legandary Tattooed Moms 

               

  Gobbling up the tastiest ZIP codes across the state!  

1…2…3...
House for Sale?  Too Late.  It's gone.

Shitty Hall

The Mayor may-or may not care about you!*  

   *Views expressed in this post May-or may not reflect the actual view of Huggie!  Check out my interview with Philadelphia Weekly for more info. 

Cash for me Gold

Happy Saint Patty's Day! 

Deals like this are once in a lifetime.  Anybody who has ever seen acclaimed actor Warwick Davis in any of the Leprechaun movies knows that once you steal a leprechaun's gold, misfortune is soon to follow.  In the spirit of St. Patty's Day we here at GorillaUpskirts have convinced our local Leps in hood to let bygones be bygones and offer amnesty on all questionably acquired leprechaun gold.  So what are you waiting for?  Trade in the gold cache for cold hard cash today. No question asked.

A Topicle Artical

Testical torsion is no practicle joke. Call today for a clinicle screening and we'll throw in a free rectle exam . 

Just you and me and your dog

Crust Punk Crossing

"One Saturday I took a walk to Liberty Place

I saw a girl there

With such a pretty face

Crust punk girl please look at me

Crust punk girl what do you see?

Let's travel round the world

Just you and me and your dog crust punk girl"

                                                         

Now officially more dependable than the United States Post Office; the crust punks of Grays Ferry can be seen 7 days a week in all types of weather.  Faithfully standing guard with hands outstretched asking you for money during your daily commute.  Some welcome these drifters with dollars and donuts; eager to hear stories of their freight train adventures.  Others wonder why these perfectly able citizens do not get jobs and theorize on how they afford their fancy tattoos and piercings.

No matter your opinion, we here at Gorilla Upskirts have made sure that all commuters will now be adequately warned when arriving at a designated Crust Punk Crossing area.  So either roll up them windows and lock those doors, or dig out a dollar and a dog biscuit.

Yoni channeling his inner crust.

Finally Huggie had the pleasure of being interviewed by the Activist, Writer and overall righteous dude Yoni.  Check out the story at www.souciant.com

All your house are belong to us

In A.D. 2007
Chaos was beginning.

Captain: What happen?
Mechanic: Politics set up us the bomb.
Operator: We get signal.
Captain: What !
Operator: Main screen turn on.
Captain: It's You !!
Banks: How are you gentlemen !!
Banks: All your house are belong to us.
Banks: You are on the way to destruction.
Captain: What you say !!
Banks: You have no chance to survive make your time.
Banks: HA HA HA HA ….
True Story

Your Doomsday Bunker or Mayan?

World didn't end?
Stuck with an unsighlty Apocalypse shelter in your backyard?
Is that Doomsday bunker taking up too much space in your cramped basement?

          WE BUY UGLY BUNKERS!

Mistakes happen.  We all make them.  But don't be wrong twice.    Recoup some of the precious funds you spent prepping for a false Armageddon by selling your shelter.  For a limited time only we are buying all unused Doomsday bunkers and fallout shelters.  Act fast because just like the Mayans, this deal will not last long!